Inspector Clouseau meets The Phantom
by PhantomBialystock
Summary: What would happen if Inspector Jacques Clouseau from The Pink Panther was the one to help Raoul instead of the Persian? In this, Raoul and him will track down Erik, with plenty of slapstick and hamburgers along the way.
1. Prologue

A/N: I got this idea while listening to the soundtrack of My Fair Lady. Weird. Don't ask what the connection is. Hopefully you'll like this!

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Prologue

"What an extraordinary case," Inspector Clouseau mumbled to himself. He was on his way home on a plane from yet another exciting case concerning the Pink Panther Diamond. This time, he had to travel to America, where the thief originated from. He finally found the diamond in the hands of a man from New York City. The diamond was safely being shipped back to Paris, where he was heading now, and the man was arrested. "Yes, what a great case," the inspector once again said to himself as he opened the American newspaper on his lap. The headline read, "Pink Panther - Lost and Found . . .Again." Clouseau scanned the large article for a minute, then began to read other sections, including the weather and some news about schools that were falling apart financially. As he chuckled at some of the statements made, a flight attendant came over to him.

"Sir, would you like anything to eat?" she asked.

Clouseau's face lit up once he heard this. He looked up at the dark-haired woman and said, "I would like the hamburger," in an accent that wasn't understandable. The attendant stared at him in confusion.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I would like the 'amburger."

"Come again?"

By this time, Clouseau was getting a bit annoyed. In a slower voice, he repeated, "I . . . would like . . . the mburgah!"

"I'm sorry, sir. I don't understand."

"I WOULD LIKE THE DAMBURGER! THE DAMBURGER!" he screamed, gathering everyone in the cabin's attention. The attendant seemed to be getting a bit red in the face.

"What?"

"The 'amburgah! I would like the 'amburgah!"

"The hamburger?" She was finally catching on.

"Yes, the 'amburgah! That's what I was saying all along you silly person!"

"I'm sorry, sir. I'll get you one right away," the attendant told him, then walked away, Clouseau mumbling, "Silly Americans."

Everyone in the cabin was looking at him like he had three heads now. He stared at them in the same way when he noticed. "What?" he asked. "I just wanted the 'amburgah!"

In just a few minutes, the attendant was back with the inspector's hamburger. He gave her a little bit of money before she walked away, rolling her eyes. Clouseau didn't sense anything wrong, though. He simply ate his hamburger, one of his favorite foods ever since he had to go to America on a previous case. Once he was finished with it, he tried to get the attendant's attention so he could have another, but it didn't work, even after yelling loudly at her for quite a few minutes. "That's strange," he told himself. "She must be half deaf or something." He gave a small chuckle. "Oh well."

Quite a few hours passed before the plane reached Paris. Clouseau got out of his seat, put the newspaper down, and began to walk out of the cabin. Before he got off the plane, he once again tried to get the attendant's attention, hoping to get a hamburger for the car ride back to his house, but to no avail. Still confused as to why she didn't see him, he walked out of the plane, but fell on his way out. Suddenly, he felt himself falling, but much father than he should be falling when tripping. For minutes, he was in the air, screaming, until he fell to the ground with a thud. Very lightheaded from the fall, he began to look around. The carpet underneath him was red, and there was elegant wall paper all around him, unlike in the airport. There was a desk only inches away from him, and quite a few men were sitting in chairs; two were at the desk, and two others in front of it.

"_What?_" one of them asked. "You just fell from out of nowhere!"

"This isn't the airport," Clouseau noted as he stood up and walked up to the desk. The two men looked at him with confused expressions just as the inspector asked, "Does this place serve any damburgahs?"

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A/N: Did you like it? Please review, and give me some ideas for this if you want. I'm always willing to except some new ideas.


	2. A New Case

Chapter 1

A New Case

The two men behind the desk stared at Clouseau as if he had three heads. "A _what?_" one of the men asked.

"A 'amburgr!" Clouseau yelled.

"Please lower your voice and say it again, this time slower," the other man asked.

"A 'am . . .bur . . .grr."

"A hamburger?"

"Yes, you silly person, that's what I've been saying all along!"

"I'm sorry, but we don't serve hamburgers. In fact, you're at the Opera Populaire. I'm one of the managers, Gilles Andre."

"And I'm the other manager, Richard Firmin," the other man said. "And incase you didn't know, you just intruded on very important business by, um, falling out of nowhere. Strange. Who are you anyway?"

"I am Inspector Clouseau," Clouseau informed him.

"Oh, well Monsieur Clouseau, would you mind leaving? We have some very important business to discuss with Monsieur le Vicomte and Monsieur le Commissaire on the matter of a _kidnaped actress!_"

Clouseau's eyes popped wide open when he heard this. Another case? He had just finished solving one, but this seemed interesting. A kidnaped actress? It couldn't get much more interesting than that. "Did you say a kidnaped actress?" Clouseau asked.

"OF COURSE! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" Firmin yelled. "She's been gone for quite a while! As an inspector I would assume you would know this!"

"Who is she, this actress?"

"Christine Daae! You've never heard of her?"

"Nope. Am I still in 2006? I don't remember any of this stuff!"

"2006?" Andre asked in complete befuddlement. "2006? That's at least a century away! It's only 1882!"

"1882?" Clouseau asked. "Then that must mean I've time traveled!"

"I thought that was impossible," the commissary of police said from behind Clouseau.

"So did I," said Raoul, who was also behind the inspector.

"I always did, too," Clouseau told them, "but since I am here, do you mind if I help you with this case?"

"You?" Andre asked laughing. "You, Mr. Hamburger?"

"That's Inspector Clouseau to you!" Clouseau told him.

"Okay," Firmin said. "What good have you done for France?"

"I've rescued the Pink Panther Diamond many times over!"

"You have?" the commissary asked.

"Of course you fool!"

"Sorry." He sighed. "This is no lie, am I right?"

"Of course not."

"Then I'd have to say I'd agree with you helping with the case. Agreed?"

"Agreed!" Raoul, Andre, and Firmin said.

"Then take a seat next to me," the commissary told Clouseau. Clouseau began to walk over to the chair he had offered, but on his way, tripped over his shoelace, and landed head-first in the chair. "I'm fine," he told him. "So, what should I do first?"

"Monsieur le Vicomte says he has some ideas as to where Miss Daae maybe," Firmin told Clouseau, who was placing himself in his chair the proper way.

"I believe that Christine has been carried off by Erik. You may know him as the Opera Ghost, but I know him as Erik. He is Christine's angel of music, and she trusts him," Raoul began.

"Where did you first see Erik?" Clouseau asked.

"In a churchyard."

"Well obviously in a churchyard! Where do you think a ghost would be?"

"Then why did you ask?"

"Ask what?"

"Ask where I saw him!"

"I didn't ask you where you saw him!"

"Yes you did! You just asked, 'Where did you first see Erik?'"

"I did? Who cares!" Clouseau yelled, then asked Raoul more and more questions about Erik, each one seeming more and more absurd. Then finally, Clouseau said, "Why are we sitting here talking about Erik?"

Raoul stared at him in confusion. "Because you wanted to ask me some questions," he replied.

"Why aren't we _looking_ for Erik?"

"Because . . . because _you were asking me questions!_"

"What are we waiting for? This is quite a dumb way to handle a case." Clouseau chuckled. "Asking questions and waiting for answers. Why don't we just go and find the answers for the questions and _look_ for Erik?"

"I don't know!" Raoul exclaimed.

"Then let's hurry up and look for him!" Clouseau got up from his chair and walked out of the office, Raoul following him. When they reached the stairs, Clouseau once again tripped over his shoelaces and tumbled down them. Once Raoul reached him, he told him, "You know you should really tie your shoelaces."

"Yeah," he replied. "I know."

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A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed. Please Review! I'm sorry this chapter is short anda bit more boring than the last. I promise the next will be better!


	3. A Lesson In Tying Shoes

Chapter 2

A Lesson In Tying Shoes

Taking Raoul's advice, Clouseau began trying to tie his shoe, but not successfully. Every time he seemed close to tying a knot, he failed, and had done so many times over. "Over . . .under . . .over . . .no, that's not right . . . .what about under over under . . .nope . . .over, under, loop, loop, yank! . . .nope. What about over, under, loop around my finger, and yank." He left the lace wrapped tightly around his finger for a few minutes, then screamed, "AHHH! My finger! Its circulation! It's cut off!"

Raoul sighed, then bent down and took the lace off of Clouseau's finger. "Do you need any help?" he asked.

"No, of course not!" Clouseau told him angrily, then took hold of the two laces again. "Over, under, loop, under, under, over, under, over, loop, loop, under, over, yank, over, under . . . no, still not it . . . loop, under, over . . ." He went on and on with different combinations of patterns until Raoul asked again, "Are you sure you don't want help?"

"Why didn't you ask earlier?" Clouseau asked.

"What are you talking about?"

"Why didn't you ask if I needed help earlier? Isn't it obvious I need help?"

"But I asked if you needed help! Right after you cut your circulation off!"

"You did?"

"Of course I did!"

"Oh. Well, how do you tie a shoe?"

"First, you take both laces in your hand," Raoul began. Clouseau began to do as he said. "Then, cross one over the other. Now, pull one under the other and tug on them to tighten them. Okay, after that, make a loop with one of the laces."

"How big?" Clouseau asked.

"You've never seen a tied pair of shoes before?" Raoul asked, annoyance beginning to fill his voice.

"Of course I have!"

"Then you should know!"

Clouseau created a loop with his shoelace, but it was hardly the width of his pinky finger. "Is this good?"

"No!"

He increased the size, but only by a little bit. "This?"

"No!"

Finally, the inspector increased the size so that it was a good-sized loop. "This?"

"Yes! Wrap the other lace around it once, then pull."

Clouseau finished the knot, then looked up at Raoul.

"Thanks. Now, should I double-knot it?"

"No. You couldn't even handle a regular knot. Come on, we should get back to my mansion," Raoul sighed.

"I thought we were going to look for Erik. What does Erik look like, anyway?" Clouseau asked

"He has dark hair, and wears a mask," Raoul told him. Only a few seconds later, someone with a colorful mask from a Masquerade Ball some days ago and dark hair began to walk down the stairs. The inspector noticed him right away, looking at him suspiciously. "That was easy," he mumbled. "We have already found our suspect!"

"No, that's not him!" Raoul yelled to Clouseau, but before he could finish, the inspector was already walking up to the man. When he reached him, he tackled him down the stairs. He then threw him across the floor resulting in the man slamming into a wall. Clouseau then jumped on top of him.

"Is this some kind of joke?" the man asked.

The inspector chuckled. "No, you are the one joking with me!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Your name is Erik, and you are the man we are looking for!"

"My name isn't Erik! It's Jacques!"

"That's my name! Your name is Erik!"

"It isn't! Now get off of me!"

"Inspector Clouseau," Raoul said, "that isn't Erik. He wears a _white_ mask."

"What if he decided to change the color so it was harder to identify him?" Clouseau asked.

"I doubt it."

"Never doubt someone for a moment!"

"Inspector Clouseau, that _is not_ Erik. It hardly looks like him, and he doesn't have the same voice."

"How do you know?"

Raoul gave a long sigh then asked Jacques, "Can you sing a few bars of music for us?"

"Of course," Jacques replied, then began to sing. "LA LA LA LA LA! LA LA LA LA LA!" His voice was incredibly off key and sounded terrible.

"Erik has a good singing voice," Raoul told Clouseau. "You'd know it was him in seconds."

"Oh," Clouseau mumbled, getting off of Jacques, who walked away with an angry expression. "Well then, did you say something about going home?"

"Yes, back to my home."

"Why not just get on the case right now?"

"It's eleven o'clock at night!"

"And why are you so concerned about this Erik?"

"Because he kidnaped the woman I love! Let's just get home."

The two walked out of the opera and took a carriage back to Raoul's mansion. They went up to Raoul's bedroom, Clouseau tripping over each and every step along the way, then fell asleep. For most of the night, Clouseau sleep talked about hamburgers and all the toppings on one.

"'amburgahla, with ketchup, and mustard, and ketchup, and more mustard, and pickles, and maybe mayo, and tomatoes, and . . ."

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A/N: Thanks to all who reviewed; Chloe Rides A Land Shark, opera ghost's pokemon, phantomphan1992, and anyone else if I forgot you. Please review:) 


	4. Master of the House, Keeper of the Zoo

Chapter 3

Master of the House, Keeper of the Zoo

The next morning, Raoul and Clouseau awoke early, around seven o'clock, just to do some investigation. After getting dressed and eating some breakfast (personally, Clouseau wanted a hamburger, but didn't asked. He settled for an omelette instead. Hey, at least he put some ketchup on it), they headed outside.

"Now, what is this actress's name again?" Clouseau asked. "Christian? David? Carmen?"

Raoul only stared at Clouseau as though he had three heads. "What?" the inspector asked. "It was one of those, right?"

"She's an actress," Raoul told him.

"Meaning?"

"She's a woman!"

"So her name is David?"

"NO!"

"Then it's Carmen, right?"

"NO! It's Christine!"

"Oh. Well David's close enough."

Raoul rolled his eyes at the inspector, Clouseau confused as to why he was. He shrugged his shoulders, then asked, "So, where is she?"

"You're an idiot! She's kidnaped! We don't know where in the world she is! All I know is that Erik took her away, and that he lives in the sewers under the Opera! Problem is, I don't know where in the sewers, or how to get there!"

"Then we should ask someone!" Clouseau then spotted a blonde gentleman walking down the street. "How about him?" Raoul was about to say not to, but the inspector didn't wait for an answer. He rushed up to the man and asked. "Monsieur, have you seen anyone walking around under the sewers with a white mask? If you have, how do you get to the sewers from the Opera?"

The man stared at Clouseau with confusion, then began to laugh. "A man? Living under the sewers with a white mask?"

"Yes. He kidnaped an actress."

"Okay, let me get this straight. A man with a white mask, am I right?"

"Yes."

"Is under the sewers?"

"Yes."

"And he kidnaped an actress?"

"Yes."

He laughed harder. "Monsieur, you need serious help if you think that's the truth."

"But I do!"

The man only walked away laughing. Clouseau walked over to Raoul. "That's not going to work," Raoul informed him.

"You're right."

"So how about we go to the Opera and look a way to Erik by ourselves."

"No, of course not! We need to investigate! And I have the perfect plan! You know why that man went away?"

"Because he thought you were a lunatic, which by the way, you are." Raoul chuckled after saying this.

"No, not because I'm a lunatic!" Clouseau exclaimed. "Because we didn't have the right atmosphere! He knew exactly what I was talking about. We just didn't have the music, the right feeling, so he didn't answer. We have to pull someone off of the street and put them in the right atmosphere. Oh! There's someone!"

Madame Giry, the ballet mistress at the Opera, was walking down the street. Clouseau rushed up to her and began to push her back toward Raoul's mansion. She had a shocked look on her face, but Clouseau assured her everything would be fine. When they were inside, Raoul rushed in to see the inspector had pulled up a chair right in front of the door. He began singing, playing a ukelele;

_Welcome monsieur,_

"Madame!" Raoul corrected.

"Hey, no interfering from the audience unless you give me a damburgah!" Clouseau yelled at him quickly, then continued.

_Welcome madame,_

_Sit yourself down,_

_And meet the best inspector in town!_

_As for the rest,_

_All of them crooks,_

_Rooking_ _their guests,_

_And cooking the books!_

_Seldom do you see,_

_Honest . . ._

"Insane!" Raoul yelled out, Clouseau giving him a glare.

_Honest men like me!_

_A gent of good intent who's content . . .ta . . .be!_

Clouseau then dropped his ukelele and began strutting around the chair, waving his hands around in the air as he continued.

_Master of the house!_

_Dolling out the charm!_

_Ready with a handshake and an open palm!_

_Tells a saucy tale!_

_Makes a little stir!_

_Customers appreciate a bon-viveur!_

_Glad to do a friend a favor!_

_Doesn't cost me to be nice!_

_But nothing gets you nothing,_

_Everything has got a little price!_

_Master of the house!_

_Keeper of the ZOO!_

_Ready to relieve 'em of a_ _case or two!_

_Watering the wine!_

_Making up the weight._

_Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight!_

_Everybody loves an inspector slash landlord!_

_Everybody's bosom friend!_

_I do what ever pleases,_

_Jesus! Won't I solve the cases in the end!_

"Madame Giry, I'm quite sorry!" Raoul apologized when he saw Madame Giry's horrified face. "My partner is a bit . . .insane."

Before she could respond, though, Clouseau picked up his ukelele and played the _Jeopardy!_ theme song. "Now, this is the host of _Jeopardy!_ If you can give me the question to this answer, you'll win . . . um . . . what will she win?"

"How about getting away from you!" Madame Giry yelled.

"Okay, that's it! Now, the answer is, 'The way to get to the part of the sewer system where Erik lives." The question?"

"What is go through the mirror in Christine's dressing room? Now, can I leave?"

"Of course. And how did you like my song?"

"I hated it, especially your stupid dance!" Madame Giry stormed out of the mansion.

"Your welcome!" Clouseau yelled out the door.

"At least we found one thing out. Let's get to that dressing room!"

"Good idea, but do you want to hear my _Sunrise, Sunset_ song first? It's from _Fiddler on the Roof_!"

"No!"

But he didn't listen to Raoul.

_Is this the little girl I carried?_

_La la la la la la la la!_

_I don't remember growing older!_

_Sunrise, sunset,_

_Sunrise, sunset,_

_La la la la la la!_

_

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A/N: Thanks for all the great reviews; Chloe Rides a Land Shark, opera ghost's pokemon, marissaisgod, phantomphan1992, and anyone else who reviewed. Please keep on reviewing! Oh, and I took the Master of the House song from Les Miserables, and Sunrise Sunset from Fiddler on the Roof.


	5. The Mirror

Chapter 4

"Well, that was a waste of time," Raoul groaned as Clouseau and him began to walk over to the Opera Populaire.

"A waste of time?" Clouseau asked. "How was that a waste of time? We got the information we needed."

"Your stupid dance was a waste of time! And that stupid song, too! Why didn't you just ask for the information without all that crazy stuff?"

"I told you, we needed the right atmosphere."

Raoul sighed. He decided anything this inspector did would be insane, and he would be convinced it was the right thing to do. _It isn't worth arguing,_ he finally decided.

It wasn't long before the two entered the Opera. Clouseau looked around in deep thought, examining every last detail. "Now, I wonder where Miss Daae's dressing room is."

"I know where, just follow me," Raoul told him.

"Of course you don't know where it is, you silly person."

"I've been in it many times, though."

"But I bet Erik is onto us. He probably hid the room out of sight from us."

"I doubt it."

"I don't." Clouseau then walked up to a wall near the door of the Opera. He put his ear to it, trying to listen for a sound. His eyes moved up and down in a curious way, and he constantly made sounds such as, "Ahhh," and "Oooh." Finally, after a few minutes of this, he said to Raoul, "You should listen, too."

Raoul rolled his eyes, then walked over to Clouseau. He put his ear on the wall and before long, began to hear some voices, but they seemed to have nothing to do with the case.

"Charlie, did you try some of this chocolate yet?" one voice asked.

"No, James, I didn't."

"You should. It's the best!"

"I don't know. I'm on a diet."

"Oh, come on. You don't look _that_ fat."

"Still . . ."

"It's the best chocolate ever! Come on!"

"You convinced me." A moment of silence passed, then, "Wow, this _is_ good! Can I have another?"

"Sure!"

After a few minutes, they then heard, "Charlie, you ate the whole box!"

"I know, but it was just too good. Now where's my Alka Seltzer?"

"Aha!" Clouseau exclaimed, taking his ear away from the wall. Raoul did the same. "The case involves Alka Seltzer!"

"_What?_" Raoul cried out in shock. "That's the craziest thing I've ever heard!"

"We have to interrogate these mysterious people behind the wall!" Clouseau began to look around the lobby and soon found a chair near the staircase. He picked it up and ran into the wall with it. The inspector continued to smash the chair into the wall hysterically, crying, "I know you're in there! I know you're in there with your Alka Seltzer!"

"Inspector!" Raoul yelled at him.

"Come out in the name of the law . . .with the Alka Seltzer. I need one myself!"

"Inspector!"

"I know you're in Miss Daae's dressing room! I can hear you! Come out now!"

"Inspector!"

Clouseau finally stopped smashing the chair against the wall and turned to Raoul. "What?"

"That's not the wall to Christine's dressing room. It's up there," Raoul told him, pointing to a door at the top of the staircase.

"Well, why didn't you tell me there wasn't a hidden door here?"

"I was trying to get your attention."

"You know, you have an excuse for everything. 'Oh, I already told you.' 'Oh, I was trying to get your attention.' Every time I ask you why you didn't do something, you have an excuse!"

Raoul sighed, but didn't argue. Instead, he began to walk up the flight of stairs. Clouseau put down the broken chair and followed him. They soon entered Christine's dressing room. In it was a bed, a small table, a wardrobe, but most importantly, the large mirror Madame Giry had told them about. Clouseau soon noticed that on the small table, there were two small pistols. "Wow, Miss Daae keeps pistols in her room. She must be very violent!"

"No, she's not," Raoul corrected. "Someone else must have put them here. I've never seen Christine with a gun."

"No?" Clouseau asked.

"Never, and I wouldn't expect too, either."

"Well, you've been proven wrong! She has pistols in her room. But for now, let's take them." Clouseau picked them both up and handed one to Raoul. "Now, I once learned from Chief Inspector Dreyfus . . ."

"Chief Inspector who?" Raoul asked.

"Dreyfus, my boss. Anyway, he taught me that I should always keep the hand that has the gun at the level of my eye so that I would be ready to shoot." He placed his right hand at the level of his eye, Raoul doing the same. "It also looks intimidating. Do you think these things have bullets in them?"

"I don't . . .WOAHHH!" Clouseau had pulled the trigger on the pistol to test it out, and had aimed it at Raoul's head accidently. Fortunately, Raoul ducked just in time. "I can't say I trust you with that!"

"I'll be fine. I've used a pistol successfully before."

"You did?"

"Well, if you can call shooting an innocent man's leg successful. I thought he was the thief."

Raoul groaned. "Are you sure you'll be okay with it?"

"Of course I'm sure! What do you take me for, a fool?" Clouseau seemed to be getting offended.

"Maybe," Raoul replied, chuckling.

"I'll prove you wrong!" Clouseau barked. "I'm going to find a way to make this mirror let us in to Erik's house without hurting myself!"

"I bet you fifty francs you won't!"

"Deal!" Clouseau slowly backed up to the wall, staring at the mirror with determination. After a few minutes of studying it, he dashed into the glass, which let him through to the other side. For a moment, Raoul had thought he lost the bet and began to reach into his pocket for the money, but he then heard, "AHHHHHHHHHHHH! I THINK I BROKE MY LEG!"

Raoul walked through the glass to find Clouseau on the ground, squirming. "I won," he told him.

"Fine." Clouseau reached into his pocket and pulled out fifty francs. Raoul stuffed the money in his pocket. "At least we got through."

"At least," Raoul murmured.

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A/N: Thank you opera ghost's pokemon, obsessive.phantom, Blueflamewolf, phantomphan1992, ShadowHawk, and Chloe Rides a Land Shark for the reviews. Please keep on writing them!


	6. Firey Face Possibly From Time Bandits

Chapter 5

Firey Head Possibly From Time Bandits

After giving Raoul his fifty francs, Clouseau rocked back and forth on the cold floor of the cellars of the opera, saying over and over again, "My leg! My leg!"

"Are you sure it's broken?" Raoul asked.

"Of course I'm sure! I can't walk on it!" Clouseau yelled.

"Oh please! You haven't even stood up yet!"

"Okay, maybe I haven't, but it's still broken."

"I bet you another fifty francs it isn't."

"Deal!" Clouseau slowly stood up off the ground without any effort. He shook his leg back and forth, then walked around in circles. "You win another fifty, but no more bets! I'm out of money!" Clouseau sighed and reached into his pocket. Once again, he pulled out fifty francs and gave them to Raoul. "Okay, let's get started! We are on our quest for the saw!"

"A saw? We're going to save Christine!" Raoul exclaimed as Clouseau picked his pistol off the ground.

"Exactly. The saw."

"Christine isn't a saw, you idiot!"

"I know she isn't. Saws can't act. But we are still looking for the saw."

"No we're not!"

"But we have the jig, but not the saw. We need a jig and a saw so we'll have a jigsaw. We can't say we only have a jig, but not a saw, can we?"

"Er . . .no?"

"Of course not! We need a jig and a saw. We have the jig, we know where to go, but no saw."

Raoul sighed. "Enough with the riddles. Let's just get going."

Clouseau nodded, and reminded Raoul to keep his pistol at the level of his eyes. They began to walk down through the sewers. As they did, Clouseau asked, "Do you have any idea _where_ in the sewers Erik lives?"

"Christine did say that there was a lake near his house. An underground lake," Raoul replied.

"So Erik's a merman?"

Raoul placed his pistol by his side. "_What?_"

"First of all, your hand at the level of your eyes." Raoul resumed that position. "Second, wouldn't Erik be a merman if he lived near a lake."

"Not necessarily. I've known people who live by lakes."

"But they were mermen, weren't they?"

"No."

"Then Erik is not a merman?"

"Of course not! What would give you such a ridiculous idea?"

"I don't know! I didn't get to take my Alka Seltzer!"

Raoul shook his head, nearly giving up hope of finding Christine with such a lunatic by his side. They wandered through the sewers more, not finding much, but it wasn't long before they saw a man with a face of fire and yellow eyes come near them.

"AHHHHH!" Clouseau screamed. "What do we do? Do we throw money at him?" He reached into Raoul's pocket, taking out twenty francs and throwing it at the head.

It turned into ashes just seconds after hitting the face.

"Hey!" Raoul exclaimed. "That's my money! I want twenty francs!"

"I don't have twenty francs! What really matters is this head! Do you think it's a good idea to karate chop it?"

"No."

"Why? Karate chops always work."

"Because it's on fire, you idiot!"

"Your point?"

"You'd get burnt!"

"Oh. Never thought of that one."

"Have you ever seen fire before?"

"Yes, of course. I made the bathroom in a hotel room go on fire. All just for my Miracle Pill For The Middle Aged Man."

"And what happened?"

"It got hot."

"Exactly."

"I still don't get it."

Raoul was ready to bang his head on the wall, but decided now wasn't the best time to do it. Instead, he began to back away, and threatened, "If you come any closer, I'll shoot you!"

"No!" Clouseau yelled. "Don't shoot him! I once saw this in a movie!"

"A movie?" Raoul asked. "What's a movie?"

"There things from the future. You get to see a story with actors, except you can watch it at home. They're pretty cool. Anyway, I saw this on a movie called _Time Bandits._ There were these midgets, and this face started chasing them."

"What did they do?"

"They fell off this cliff and landed in the past. Hey, let's try it!"

"Oh, let's try it," Raoul said sarcastically.

"Really?" Clouseau asked with excitement.

"Of course not! You think that's going to help? We need to find another way!" Just as Raoul said this, him and Clouseau began to hear a terrible scraping noise, which seemed to be coming from the head. Both blocked their ears from the noise. It sounded like fingernails scraping a blackboard. As the two backed up and screamed in horror - Clouseau crying, "Give me my last damburgah and I shall die in peace!" - they backed up quickly. The face still followed them. Raoul cried for Christine, Clouseau cried for his hamburger, and before long, the fiery face said, "Don't move, don't move! Whatever you do, don't come after me! I am the rat catcher! Let me pass with my rats!"

Seconds after saying this, the head vanished into the darkness. Raoul and Clouseau caught their breath.

"Are you really a rat catcher?" Clouseau asked afterward. "Can I have a rat? I think I'll name it . . . um, er, um . . ."

"Damburgah?" Raoul asked.

"No! What makes you think that?"

"Because you were just screaming for one."

"Just because I like damburgrrs doesn't mean I'll name my rat damburgrr!"

"Then what would you name it?"

"Damburgrr."

"That's what I just said!"

"No. You said dambur_gah_. I said dambur_grr_. There's a difference."

"Never mind. Let's go."

* * *

A/N: Thanks to Double Agent 007, dangerousdame, Chloe Rides a Land Shark, PhantomPhanGirl91, phantomphan1992, and Shadow Hawk for the reviews of chapter 4. Keep on reviewing!


	7. A Discovery

Chapter 6

A Discovery

Clouseau and Raoul continued to walk through the sewers, both still recovering from the sight of the fiery face they had seen. Clouseau walked slowly, looking for clues every step of the way, but Raoul tried to make him move faster. "We need to save Christine!" he continued to protest.

"Well, we might not be able to if we don't have any clues. Oh, look, a damburgah!" Clouseau had found half a hamburger on the ground. He picked it up and dusted it off with his coat.

"You're not going to eat that, right?" Raoul asked nervously.

"Of course I am!" Clouseau stuffed the hamburger in his mouth, but ended up spitting most of it out of his mouth. "Disgusting! I prefer Burger King!"

"Could it possibly have something to do with it being on the ground of the sewers?" Raoul suggested.

"Possibly," Clouseau said, tilting his said to one side, then continued to move around slowly. Before long, they were in the huge cellars below the stage of the Opera. They could hear some singing, probably a rehearsal.

"This is crazy music!" Clouseau screamed.

"No it's not!" Raoul argued. "It's beautiful."

"Nonsense! How do you call this beautiful? I'll show you some _real_ music!"

"That won't be necessary. Let's keep going."

"No, no, no!" Clouseau then cleared his voice and began to break out into the Partridge Family theme song, singing in a very bad voice.

_Hello world, here's a song that we're singing._

_Come on get happy! _

_A whole lotta lovin' is what we'll be bringing_

_We'll make you happy!_

_We had a dream we'd go travelin' together_

_And spread a little lovin' if we'll keep movin' on._

_Somethin' always happens whenever we're together_

_We get a happy feelin' when we're singing a song._

_Come on get happy!_

"How did you like it?" Clouseau asked.

"If that's how music from the future sounds, I don't want to live for the future," Raoul replied.

"What's the year?"

"1882."

"Then you won't have to worry about it. That song won't be playing until the 1960's or 70's."

"Good. Now let's continue on."

They did, and before long, Clouseau ran into a wall.

"Good job, Inspector," Raoul told him.

"But I ran into a wall."

"Yes, but remember how I said Erik has house by the lake? This could be a wall from it. It sticks out from nowhere." Raoul put his ear up to the wall along with Clouseau. They listened, but only heard distant footsteps. Raoul shook his head. "This isn't going to help."

"Yes it is!" Clouseau exclaimed.

"Exactly how?"

Clouseau didn't respond, though. He continued to listen to the footsteps, then repeated the patterns they made. He did this for many minutes, making his footsteps louder and louder, but he soon lost his patience. "You idiot! Don't you hear I'm repeating your footsteps? Exactly as you're doing, to!"

"Inspector," Raoul said.

"You idiot wall!"

"Inspector."

"Are you deaf? Yes?"

"Inspector!"

"What? No need to yell!"

"Inspector, I don't think that's going to work. How about we try something else."

"Why didn't I think of that?" The two continued to walk through the sewers, and once again, Clouseau bumped into something else, but not a wall. This time it was a staircase. They went up it, which lead them to the Third Cellar of the Opera. There wasn't much room to stand up, so they began to crawl on their hands and knees. Against one of the walls was a scene from the _Roi de Lahore_, which was where Joseph Buquet had been hanged mysteriously a while ago. Raoul explained this to Clouseau, but soon regretted it.

"This place is haunted! Haunted!" Clouseau tried to stand up, but hit his head on the ceiling. "Oh! See, I told you this place was haunted! That was a ghost with three heads and three tails! It just hit me!"

"Inspector, it's fine. And that wasn't a ghost. It was the ceiling."

"Sure, it isn't haunted." Clouseau was using a mocking voice. "Then tell me why there is this narrow passageway in the wall. Is it for ghosts to go through? Or is it for little midgets to play in? Huh?"

"A narrow passageway?" Raoul asked, crawling over to where Clouseau was. He saw it, but it hardly looked big enough to fit in.

"Or are there haunted mice in there?" Clouseau asked. "Here micey, micey! Come here and show my partner that he has a brain the size of a minkey's!"

"A minkey? What's that?"

"A minkey, you fool!"

"Oh, a monkey." Raoul rolled his eyes. "Should have known all along," he said sarcastically. "Come on, Inspector. We should see what's in this passageway. I bet you fifty francs we won't see a haunted mouse."

"Remember I don't have any money because of our stupid bets?"

"Oh, yes." Raoul and Clouseau began to squeeze through the passageway, Clouseau singing a stupid little song about going through narrow passageways and finding damburgers. Before long, they found a small hole made from a brick misplaced. Clouseau, who was leading the way, fell through it. Raoul jumped through, curious to see what was down there. (He had thought about turning back, leaving Clouseau, and trying to find Christine himself.) Then, moments later, Clouseau screamed, "AHHHHH! I heard about this from a Chief Inspector Dreyfus! He said he heard it rumored that there was once a room like this called the Torture Chamber! AHHHHH!"

"This is bad," Raoul sighed.

"They're going to lock us in here with no hamburgers for weeks! AHHHH!"

"I think they'll do worse than that." Just as Raoul finished this statement, the room began to get warmer, and warmer, and warmer.

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A/N: thanks to Double Agent 007, phantomphan1992, and Chloe Rides a Land Shark for the reviews. Please review!


	8. No One's Yet Dead!

Chapter 7 

The torture chamber was unlike any other place you would visit. It had six corners with mirrors that covered them. In one of the far corners was an iron tree with an iron branch.

"No!" Clouseau cried. "No! I want a damburgah! A damburgah!"

"Inspector, you're an idiot!" Raoul yelled at him. "If this is called the torture chamber, you shouldn't be so worried about a stupid dambur . . . excuse me, hamburger."

"You're right, but . . ."

"But nothing!"

Clouseau rolled his eyes, then began to walk around the chamber, examining the mirrors. "You know, this looks more like a fun house than a torture chamber. See, in this mirror, I'm fat." He moved to his left. "And in this one, I'm skinny." The inspector moved from mirror to mirror, saying, "Fat, skinny, fat, skinny."

"Inspector, we should find a way to get out of here before the torture begins."

"You're right. We don't want our heads to get cut off by chainsaws." Raoul stared at him in confusion. "What?" the inspector asked. "I saw it in a video game!"

"A video game?" Raoul asked.

"Never mind." Just as Clouseau said this, they heard a voice coming from outside the walls.

"Make your choice!" a cold voice said. "The requiem mass or the wedding mass."

"That must be Erik," Raoul pointed out.

"I'll take the wedding mass!" Clouseau yelled. "Just make sure there are lots of damburgahs afterward."

"He's not talking to you."

"Oh, yes. I knew that," the inspector lied.

"The requiem mass won't be happy," Erik continued on. "The wedding mass will be very happy, though. And whoever wanted damburgahs, I have no idea what your talking about. I don't want to live underground forever. My opera is finished, and I want you to be my bride. I will have a mask that will completely hide my face. No one will even turn around to look at me. We will live happily together, Christine. I just want someone to love me. I will be very gentle, just say you want the wedding mass."

"Christine's in there," Clouseau pointed out.

"That's the most sensible thing you've said all day," Raoul told him.

"No, Erik! Please, I don't want to marry you, but I don't want a requiem mass, either!" Christine pleaded.

"And I want a damburgah. Oh, please! Quit your wining!" Clouseau sighed.

"Oh, shut up," Raoul told him. Then, they heard Erik sob, "You don't love me! You don't love me!"

"Of course I don't," Clouseau replied.

"He's not talking to you," Raoul said.

Before long, there was a long silence, and then a loud electric buzz. "Somebody is ringing at the door. I am going to go tell the siren to open the door."

After hearing footsteps walking away, Raoul cried, "Christine, if you are alone, answer me! It's Raoul!"

"Raoul?" Christine replied with a quiver in her voice. "Yes, I'm in here alone."

"Christine, I'm . . .I mean, some crazy inspector who claims to be from the future and I are here to save you, but tell us when Erik comes."

"Christine, do you have a damburgah?" Clouseau asked.

"A what?" Christine said.

"A damburgrr!"

"What?"

"'am . . .bur . . .grr!"

"Ignore him," Raoul said. "He wants a hamburger."

"Oh. I don't have any. Anyway, Erik has gone mad with love. If I don't stay with him, he will kill everyone and himself. I have to decide by eleven o'clock tonight! He told me if I refused him everyone will be dead and buried!"

"Where is Erik?" Clouseau asked.

"He must be out of the house I am in."

"Sure he's not at McDonald's?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

"Drat. Would have place an order for a damburgrr."

"Inspector, let me talk. You'll just mess everything up if you do," Raoul told the inspector.

"Fine, you minkey," Clouseau sighed.

"Can you make sure he is not in the house?"

"No, I can't. I'm bound together by ropes. Where are you, anyway? There are only two doors in my room. One leads to the Louis-Philippe room and the other leads to a room Erik forbade me to see; the torture chamber."

"We're in the torture chamber!"

Christine gasped. "Oh, my! Can you see the door?"

"No, we can't!" Raoul cried out desperately. "Is there a lock to it?"

"Yes. Oh, if only I could move and knock on the door to tell you where it is! Don't stay, go out the way you came."

Raoul shook his head. "I won't leave you. We will go away from here together, or we will die together."

"You know," Clouseau began, "You watch too many soap operas. I saw that on a soap opera. Was it Bold and Beautiful? I can't remember."

"Oh, be quiet!" Raoul yelled at him so loud that the inspector's hair moved. "Why did he bind you together, Christine?"

"I tried to commit suicide! It's so horrible! He told me he bound me so I wouldn't try to kill myself!"

"Christine, tell Erik the ropes hurt you. If he loves you so much, he will surely untie them."

"You're right, and now I hear him! Don't say anything, he'll know you're here."

"Tell that to Inspector Clouseau, here."

"How are you, Christine?" Erik asked moments later.

"I am in pain Erik. These bounds hurt me," Christine replied. "Please unbind me!"

"But my dear, you will kill yourself!"

"No, I won't."

"Fine, then." A few moments of silence passed, then, "Are you okay, now?" Clouseau and Raoul then heard an organ.

"I am fine."

Erik began to sing a wonderful song as he played his organ, Clouseau grumbling, "He should really play something from Aerosmith, instead." The Inspector almost broke out singing _Dream On_, but Raoul stopped him just as an abrupt ending came to Erik's music. A long moment of silence that sent shivers down Raoul and Clouseau's backs passed, then Erik yelled, "What have you done with my bag?"

* * *

A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I'm getting so many, I can't remember everyone's names! Please continue to review!


	9. All I Want is a Damburgah

Chapter 8

All I Want is a Damburgah

"Give me back my bag! Is that the only reason you had me untie you?" Erik bellowed.

"Was it a Burger King bag?" Clouseau asked. "Can I have the damburgah?"

"Would you mind being quiet for once?" Raoul snapped at him. "I'm trying to listen, and as the inspector, so should you!"

"Okay, but I still want that damburgah."

"Give me back my bag! It is the bag of life and death!" Erik continued to yell. "There is nothing in it but two keys!"

"Does one unlock a McDonald's?" Clouseau asked. Raoul was about to tell him to be quiet, but decided it was worthless.

"Erik, since we are going to live together, then what difference does it make wether I have these keys or not? I just want to see that room - that torture chamber," Christine explained to Erik. "I'm just curious."

"I don't want you to be curious! Now give me back my bag!" He must have taken the bag, for Christine cried out in pain. "Now, Christine, we need not open the door to see what the torture chamber is like. Come over here for a minute . . .yes, right there. If there is someone in the torture chamber, you will see the invisible window light up. All we need to do is pull back this curtain and put on a light. There, done. You aren't afraid of the dark with me by your side, are you?"

"Of course I am afraid, but not of the dark. Of you! You always scare me, Erik!"

"I'm scared, too! I don't want to die without having my last damburgah!" Clouseau cried out.

Then, a light shined in the torture chamber, one that was very bright. Clouseau closed his eyes, then went around screaming, "I'm blind! I'm blind!"

"No, you're not," Raoul told him. "Your eyes are closed."

"Oh." Clouseau opened his eyes. "I knew that."

Raoul was now mesmerized by the light, but Clouseau, for once, was listening attentively to Erik and Christine's conversation. "There is someone there, Christine!" Erik cried out. "Now, go in look in the window. Do you see anyone?"

"No one."

"Really?"

"Of course not."

"How do you like the landscape?"

"I wish there were more damburgahs," Clouseau sighed. "That would be great! A whole chamber full of damburgahs!"

"I like it a lot," Christine replied to Erik's question.

"Good. I hoped you would."

"But Erik, I see no tortures."

"There's no damburgahs, you idiot! That's torture!" Clouseau yelled.

"What do you see?" Erik asked Christine.

"A forest, of course."

"What's in a forest?"

"Trees."

"What's in a tree?"

"Apples!" Clouseau exclaimed. "Or oranges? Is it oranges? Is this like Jeopardy? But wait, you didn't put it in the form of an answer! You fool! Don't you ever watch Jeopardy?"

"Birds." Christine answered.

"Yes, but in this case, the answer is branches! With all the terrible things in the room - the heat, the mirrors - I hope that the victim of the torture chamber will eventually hang themselves."

"Not before I get a damburgah, I won't!" Clouseau told him.

"Do you think it is getting hot in here, Erik?" Christine asked.

"Yes, it is the heat from the torture chamber. It is unendurable! What you saw in that chamber was an _African_ _rainforest!_ Of course it is steaming hot!" And then Erik began laughing so loudly it echoed in the chamber, driving Raoul mad. He began to bang against the wall hysterically. Clouseau did so as well, but as Raoul cried for Christine, Clouseau cried for a damburgah.

* * *

A/N: Thanks to all who reviewed: phantomphan1992, Dark Wolf Godess of the moon, dangerousdame, Smartalec124, and anyone else whom I may have forgotten. Please review!


	10. Methinks I Found A Damburgah!

Chapter 9

Methinks I Found A Damburgah!

It was now stifling hot in the torture chamber. Both Raoul and Clouseau were lying on the floor, nearly dying of thirst and the heat.

"Water!" Raoul constantly groaned. "Rain! Water!"

"The damburgahs in Spain stay mainly in the plain," Clouseau sang. "I want a damburgah!"

"I thought it was the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain," Raoul pointed out.

"Yes, but I want a damburgah!" Clouseau slowly crawled around, repeating the song about the damburg- excuse me, I mean _hamburgers_ in Spain. Raoul only lied on the floor groaning for water. "If you see any water, tell me."

"No! I'm looking for damburgahs!" And as he did, the African forest around them seemed to turn dark. It was as though the two were actually in a real forest. In just minutes, it was almost completely dark in the room, but Clouseau didn't give up his search. As he continued, he began to hear Raoul mumble to himself about wandering around the forest for three days looking for Christine. The heat was driving him mad, but it was hard to say if the heat was driving Clouseau crazy or not, since crazy was his normal behavior. Looking for a damburgah wasn't all that different from normal for him.

During the "night" the sound of rippling water came from no where, which made Clouseau and Raoul stick out their tongues in hope that there was water somewhere near. Well, at least that's what Raoul hoped. Clouseau hoped that their were raining hamburgers. He moved around with his eyes half-open, trying to catch a hamburger on his tongue. "Damburgah . . . come to me damburgah . . .come to me!"

Raoul put the pistol in his hand to his head, ready to commit suicide. (I'm unsure if he decided to die because of the heat or if it was because of Clouseau). But a split second before he pulled the trigger, Clouseau exclaimed, "I found a nail!" Raoul put the pistol back at his side.

"A nail?" he asked.

"Yes, a nail!" Clouseau pushed down on it, and a door in the wall opened along with a small opening in the floor. Cool air came up from the hole in the floor. Clouseau jumped down into it, and Raoul followed. They ended up in Erik's wine cellar. There were tons of barrels in here, but what relieved Clouseau and Raoul was the temperature. It was nice and cool, and felt great after being in the torture chamber.

"Water is probably in these," Raoul pointed out.

"No, I doubt it," Clouseau said. Raoul stared at him in confusion.

"Then wine?"

"No."

"Some kind of liquid?"

"No. Damburgahs."

"What? Hamburgers?" Raoul seemed to have recovered from the heat quickly.

"Yes, damburgahs are in there. Can we stop to have one?"

Raoul rolled his eyes and opened one of the barrels, but water, or any liquid for that matter, didn't come out. And no, hamburgers didn't either, although Clouseau still had high hopes. "Is that flour? We can make damburgah buns with that. Still, we need the ketchup, the burger, the mustard, the pickles, and maybe some onions, oh, and to make it a cheesburgah we need cheese."

"You idiot, this isn't flour!"

"Oh? Then what is it?"

"Gunpowder!"

"I knew that, I knew that."

* * *

A/N: Thanks for the reviews, phantomphan1992, ShadowHawk, PhantomPhanGirl1992, dangerousdame, andChloe Rides a Land Shark. Please continue to review!


	11. The Confrontation

Chapter 10

"Gunpowder!" Clouseau exclaimed. "Run for your life and your last damburgah!"

"Not our last damburgah!" Raoul yelled at him, then corrected himself. "I mean hamburger. Run for our lives!" And they did. They ran for minutes and minutes, through the mucky water underground, until they reached the gate to Erik's house. Clouseau took notice of the organ right away.

"You know, I could play a song on that organ. It's about damburgahs."

"That's nice," Raoul told him sarcastically.

"Do you want to hear it?"

"No."

"Drat. It's good."

"I doubt it."

"It's as good as Beethoven's music."

"Whatever."

At that moment, Erik and Christine entered the room we were looking at through the bars. "Christine, it looks like we have guests."

A look of panic fell onto Christine's face, but a happy one was on Clouseau's. "Can we have dinner? I'm starving! How 'bout damburgahs!"

"No!" Raoul barked at him.

"Oh."

"We're in deep trouble! That man's Erik!"

"He is?"

"Of course. He has dark hair and a white mask, like I told you!"

Clouseau studied Erik for a moment. "No, I don't see the resemblance."

"Never mind."

Erik walked over to a lever near the gate and pulled it toward him. The gate opened and Clouseau and Raoul walked in, Clouseau stumbling over his shoelace again.

"You might want to tie that," Raoul told him, but then remembered the trouble it had put them through last time. "I mean, no, don't tie it."

"No, I should tie it."

"No, I mean it. Save it for later."

"Okay."

Erik snickered and closed the gate with the lever. "I'm afraid there will be no future for you two!"

"No future!" Clouseau yelled. "No! I want a damburgah! I never lived to have my billionth damburgah!"

"You count?" Raoul asked.

"Of course! I've had 5,890 damburgahs so far."

"What's a damburgah?" Erik asked.

"You don't know what a damburgah is?" Clouseau asked. "You idiot! You don't know what you're missing!"

"He means hamburger," Raoul explained as Erik pulled some ropes from off the ground. He then tied both Clouseau and Raoul up against the gate, both with nooses aroundtheir necks. "Christine, forget about deciding at eleven o'clock. You'll decide now! You can stay with me and let these two free . . ."

"And I get damburgahs!" Clouseau said.

"Or you can go free, but at the cost of their life."

"And I won't get damburgahs. Those poor damburgahs. They will never have the honor of being eaten by Inspector Jacques Clouseau."

"You think that's an honor?" Raoul asked.

"Of course. You know, if we get out of this alive, I think I'll make the official damburgah fan club."

"Good luck." Raoul then turned to Christine. "Don't stay with Erik, Christine. I don't mind dying for your freedom!"

But Christine's attention was on Erik. "Why did you pull me into this trap? You knew this would happen!"

"Christine, just choose to stay with me," Erik told her. "It will do your lover good."

All three continued to argue with each other, yelling different things, but Clouseau was also yelling. "You can't do this to me! Chief Inspector Dreyfus will miss me so much! He will! And so will damburgahs! And Ponton will miss me! Poor Gilbert Ponton! And the damburgah fan club will never live!" No body was really listening to him.

After minutes of yelling and screaming, Christine finally decided. "Raoul, I don't want you to die," she told Raoul. "And Erik, I don't want to leave you alone. I'll stay." She then kissed Erik for a long time, while Raoul tried to wiggle away so he wouldn't see the sight. But before long, the four heard a mob approach.

"Do you think that mob has damburgahs?" Clouseau asked.

"Would you give it a rest?" Raoul asked.

"Maybe. Not until you give me a damburgah."

Raoul only sighed as Erik told Christine, "Forget me and take him! Go and leave me! Forget everything you see!"

Christine hesitated, but untied Raoul and Clouseau as Erik opened the gate. They then left, but Clouseau once again tripped over his shoelace. He began to feel as though he were once again falling through a large, black hole.

* * *

A/N: I know you're going to hate me when I say this, but we only have the epilogue to go. I'd like to thank all my reviewers, anyway; Phantom's Beauty, phantomphan1992, dangerousdame, Chloe Rides a Land Shark, and Smartalec124. 


	12. Epilogue

A/N: And here it is, the last installment. Don't be too sad.

* * *

Epilogue

"Inspector Clouseau, where have you been?" It was Chief Inspector Dreyfus. Clouseau had ended up back in his office. _Must have time traveled again, _he thought. "I've been calling your house, and there's been no answer."

"Chief Inspector, I time traveled!" Clouseau exclaimed.

"Inspector, there is no such thing."

"But there is! I solved another case. There was this actress, and she was kidnaped, and her lover and I had to track her down along. We were looking for this guy named Erik who also loved her! We were trapped in this chamber, and guess what? There were no damburgahs!"

"Oo! How scary!" Dreyfus said sarcastically.

"I know! I thought I would go crazy!"

"Oh, never you."

"Yes, I know! I'm not crazy! But, we finally got out, and then we found Erik and Christine, and Erik wanted to kill us! He let us go though. Then I ended up back here."

"Well, you did fall out of no where. But I just never know with you. I mean, isn't it your normal behavior to fall through ceilings?" Dreyfus asked.

"Sometimes, but not usually. But the good thing is I'm back here!"

"Yes, because there is another case! It involves the Pink Panther, yet again."

"I will start as soon as possible! But first, Chief Inspector, would you like to join the official damburgah fan club?"

Clouseau looked hopeful, but the chief inspector only stared at him in confusion. "What? The official _what_ fan club?"

"Dam . . .bur . . .grr!"

"A what?"

"A damburgrr!"

"A hamburger?"

"Yes! That's what I've been saying all along."

"Oh. Well, I'd rather not join that sort of club."

Clouseau thought for a second, then said, "Maybe Ponton would like to join. So when will we start the case?"

"Tomorrow."

"Okay. See you tomorrow!"

And Clouseau left the office, and went home. He enjoyed a nice damburgah for supper, then went online to a damburgah website, e-mailed Ponton, his assistant, with news about the damburgah fan club, started a website for the club, and wrote about his experience in Paris 100 years ago. He had enjoyed it, with the exception of the torture chamber. He would go back if he could, and maybe he would trip over his shoelace again so he could.

Good news is, the next day, Ponton joined the Official Damburger - excuse me, _Hamburger_ Fan Club. Our little friend couldn't have been happier. Oh, and Nicole, the girl Clouseau seems to love, joined too. It seemed to be the beginning of a great club that would annoy the heck out of Dreyfus.

* * *

A/N: I'm glad everyone liked this so much. I wasn't sure if this would be a failure or success, but it seems to be a success. Thanks to all my frequent reviewers; Parukia Agent 007, dangerousdame, phantomphan1992, Chloe Rides a Landshark, Phantom's Beauty, Smartalec124, ShadowHawk, PhantomPhanGirl91, Dark Wolf Goddess of the moon, and everyone else! There were so many who reviewed, and I appreciated them all!


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